Chemo on monday

Monday is looming large in my mind. It's getting really close and the closer it gets, the larger monday gets.

I start back on chemo on monday and it's not the same as in the past. I have gone through all the new chemos they have for me right now and so, I'm going back to an old chemo. I had a severe reaction to it the last time it was given to me. So, I'm going to be put through a desensitization process. ( I can't pronounce that very well, and I don't think I spelled it right, but you know what I mean) The chemo infusion will last approximately 7 hrs. That sounds like a long day to me. Plus, I found out earlier this week that I may need to give myself insulin. I have a small blood sugar problem but with the high doses of steriods I'll be getting, it may become a big problem. The last few days have been spent learning when to give myself insulin and how to give myself insulin. I've got my mind wrapped around that and I can do it. There's only one way I can do it though. With my Father right there beside me. Otherwise, I'm overwhelmed and underequipped. He's been reminding me that there is no where I can go that He won't be there. He goes before me, behind me and shelters me under His wings. That is such a comfort! The thought of being sheltered under His wings is awesome. It just sounds so right and feels even better. I am looking forward to what God will be teaching me through this next challenge. I'm not looking forward to the chemo and the possibility of insulin shots. He has taught me so much but I know I still have a lot more to learn. Praise You Father!

A Mac update. He is doing great. Thankfully he slept a lot when he came home but now he's his usual ornery self. He was just eating a plate and didn't understand why he couldn't keep it. I think maybe I'd better go, he might be eating the couch now. Did I mention he likes to chew?

While we're gone, he's getting to stay with my parents. (They're actually excited about that, we'll see what they think when we get back.)

Love, vicki

Poor Mac

Poor Mac is now at the veterinarian's. He didn't know what was going on this morning. I didn't feed him and he just cried and cried. You know, I told him that he would be a lot better off without any food for now. I know he could be sick if he had food on his stomach after his surgery was over. Of course, he doesn't understand. It occurred to me that we're like that too. We beg and plead for something, asking God over and over in our prayers and He says not yet, it wouldn't be good for you now. Like me, with Mac, I know that it isn't good for him now but later I'll answer his pleading because then it will be the right time. The same with God, He knows when the right time is for what we're asking for. Sometimes it could be no, not at all but other times, it's be patient I know when the right time is and you will surely receive it. I'm glad He can see what's ahead and when it's the right season for what we're asking. Praise you Jesus in your ultimate wisdom.

Mac isn't coming back home until tomorrow morning. It's a nice break but I do miss his bullishness, well maybe.

Vicki

Mac gets a bath! Oh boy.

Mac is our english bull dog. "Bull" is a very appropriate part of their name. He's good at the
"bull" in his name. He's as solid as a brick building and you'd better have treats to move him. Food is very important to Mac and he will do anything for a treat, even if the treat belongs to you or a grandchild, watch out, because Mac will get it!

He got a bath today. Oh boy, did he get a bath! Or did I get one? You couldn't tell by looking at us which one was intended for the bath and which one was supposed to be the giver of the bath. Now, he has had baths before, he is 9 months old but these baths were outside in a tub in the nice warm sunshine. It's too cold for that now and so he got his first one in the house, in our bathtub. (I don't know but he might have to stink for the rest of the winter). It took all the muscle my husband had to lift him into the tub and it took all my body parts to keep him in it. We got him soaped down fine but then I used a coat whitening soap for his tear stains and around the rest of his face. This stuff is purple and as runny as water! It helped, I even think it helped to remove any tear stains I might have had. Purple blotches, wet pants, wet shirt but thankfully, since I have a very small amount of hair, no wet hair. (There is good in all things, even no hair).

The big reason for the bath? Now, don't tell him because I want to be able to find him on tuesday. He's going to be so excited. ha. The poor guy is being neutered on tuesday. He doesn't have a clue of what's going to happen and we like to keep him that way. I'll pay for it anyway, after it's all done, and he starts his "bulling". I wouldn't trade him for anything, well, ask me the next time I'm getting ready to give him a bath. Seriously, we do love him, he's funny and he's more work than a little kid. Maybe I should look for a bulldog sitter? The occasional break.

May you know the peace and love of Christ, our Savior.

Vicki

Dirty, Yucky, Mud!

A friend of mine has 3 little boys and they were playing out in the backyard one day after we had had several days of heavy rain. The boys were having a big ole time, digging a hole and playing in the mud. Mom was busy with baby sister, so she didn't realize what a muddy mess they were becoming. When it came time to come in the house, the older boys knew to take off their clothes but the little one didn't understand why he couldn't come in as he was. I seen a picture of him and he was in no shape to walk in that house. You should have seen him, he was mud from the top of his head down to the bottom of his shoes. His clothes were just a dirty, yucky, muddy mess! Not fit to come into a dry, clean house. I made the comment to her that it was a good thing that God made little boys and girls so washable. She agreed and said they would have been ruined a long time ago, if He hadn't made them so washable. That got me to thinking; God not only made us washable physically (on the outside), but spiritually (on the inside), where we need it the most. He gave us Christ Jesus to wash us clean on the inside. We can be white as snow when we accept Him as our Savior. All the filthy, dirty, yucky mud that is inside our hearts can be washed clean and new again. We are not fit to walk into our Father's presence until we let Christ wash us clean. If we don't accept Christ and let Him into our hearts, we will be ruined and unfit for the Kingdom of Heaven. Thank you Father for making us waterproof and sin proof. We have soap to wash our outsides and Jesus to cleanse our insides. Praise and glory go to You, our King!

Psalm 51:7 Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. NLT

In one of the pictures of this little boy he was using his arms and hands to try and cover up all this mud, as if he was ashamed. He couldn't cover the mud up, no more than we can cover or hide our sin and shame. He needs soap for the mud and we need Christ to cover our sins.

Psalm 51:9-12 Don't keep looking at my sins. Remove the stain of my guilt. Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a right spirit within me. Do not banish me from your presence, and don't take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me again the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you. NLT

me and cancer plus the LORD

A few months back I was asked to speak to our county's "Relay for Life" and I just want to share what I said with you as an encouragement for those dealing with cancer and their family and friends. I really do pray that this helps.

I first found out I had colon cancer in 2002. I had a colon resection and the news was good. The doctor said he had gotten it all, there was no cancer found around the colon or in my lymph nodes. He said I was "cured", no more cancer. That was a great celebration! We were praising God and thanking Him for the great things He had done. I'm still praising HIm and thanking Him for the great things He has done. But...And that's a big but. The cancer came back in 2004. It is still colon cancer but it came back in my liver. Not a good thing. I have stage 4 colon cancer, definitely not a good thing. I have had chemo since August of 2004. So it's been 4 years of chemo off and on. I think more on than off. They watch my tumor marker and do CT scans. When my tumor marker is up, I have chemo, when my tumor marker is down, I'm on a break.

My first doctor told me I had gunk in my liver that didn't belong there. I recently seen a sign at a Shell station that said, "do you have gunk? Come in and let us get rid of it for you>" I'm wondering what they would do if I came in and asked them to get rid of the "gunk" in my liver?

I've had some really dark days, days when I question, why Lord, why me? Then it comes to me, well, why not me? I'm not any more special than anyone else. Other people have cancer, why not me too? It could have kept me down, it could have kept me shut up in my house, it could make me bitter but then the cancer would win, it would defeat me. I'm not letting anything as nasty and devastating as cancer, defeat me. It may one day take my life here on earth but it's not going to take the joy I have in living away from me now.

God has given each of us a great gift. He has given us the gift of life. None of us know when our life here on earth will be over. Not those of us with cancer. Or those who have had cancer or those who will have cancer or those who will never have cancer. The doctors don't know, they can give you an educated guess but I prefer not to ask those questions because I know only God knows when He'll be ready to bring me home.

Tonight is a celebration of life. Celebrate the lives of those we've lost to cancer, they've touched our lives in special ways, they've taught us things we might never have learned without them. Celebrate the lives of those who have had cancer and have recovered or are on the road to recovery. Life certainly takes on new meaning when you have beaten cancer. Celebrate the lives of those who are living with cancer right now. Each day holds new joy and challenges to overcome for all of us.

God has given me so many blessings in the past 6 years. He has shown me what a dear husband and special family I have. Just in the past 4 years He has given me three more grandchildren, so now I have 6 grandchildren ranging in ages 8 years old down to almost 1 year old. My Christian family is also very special to
me. They are constantly praying for me, sending me cards and asking me how I am. I have met so many special people, people I would never have met or known if I didn't have cancer. The doctors, nurses and techs who care for me, other cancer patients. I love them all. I have done things I would never have done if I didn't have cancer. My love, compassion and caring for others has grown. I lead a lady's bible study in our church, I spoke at our church's lady's banquet and something I would never have dreamed I would do in my entire life, I spoke to a group of second year med. students from the Washington University med. school in St. Louis. (My doctor is also a professor there.) I don't even have a college education. That was pretty cool. And then, here I am, speaking to you. There are so namy more blessings He's given me.

Another blessing, all of you. I know many of you have prayed for me and others with cancer and I want to thank you for your prayers and concern. Keep on praying, for us and keep on praying for that cure that we'll some day have.

The biggest blessing of all. This cancer has been a good thing because it's brought me closer to Jesus Christ!

I'm going to close with a verse from the bible that has special meaning for me. John 11:4 When he heard this, Jesus said, "This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory so that God's Son may be glorified through it.

I just want to glorify You, God

This was written July 11, 2008.